Boy is talking to his friend and his friend is telling the boy how he is scared for his life. *bang bang*
Boy wakes up to the sound of a door knock. It is early in the morning and the sun hasn't even risen yet. He lies staring up at the ceiling for a few moments more. Seconds pass to minutes and he needs to decide whether or not he should answer the door.
He wonders if he is gone. No. The knocking continues.
He gets up and brushes his teeth and gets dressed. He takes out his wallet and looks at the contents inside and he takes out a picture and a folded piece of paper. He stares blankly at the papers and he looks up to the ceiling, trying to keep his tears suppressed. He walks downstairs. As he opens the refrigerator for food he remembers the times he's shared with a lost friend.
The sun is shining bright and he remembers the memories of him and his friend very happy and the times that they shared, laughing their youth away. They are best friends and would do anything for each other. He reminisces the activities that they used to participate in including playing basketball, playing games and even talking about the girl next door.
One day, it is raining and the young boy is at home finishing up on homework. *ring ring* he gets a phone call from his friend. They talk briefly and the boy’s face immediately becomes dark and serious. His friend is walking quickly down with the silhouette of a man behind him. The friend is shot twice in the back and the boy is breathless.
*knock knock* Boy is back in the present. He takes out the picture once again and this time, he smiles and feels relieved of his sorrows. He finally build up the courage open the door.
You ready?
"Yeah . . . I'm ready.”
Charles i like how in your treatment you used flashbacks to incorperate time, but you didnt put in the race against the clock or an underlying message but its a good start.
ReplyDeleteI could see how answering the door before the person knocking leaves could be an association of time, but i think your character should actually seemed concerned with time in order for it to be important for the audience. Also, you have a little camera description within the treatment. One other thing, and i don't want to be all nit-picky, but it seems a tad short.
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ReplyDeleteSome work could do this treatment well, but thus far it seems good. Gavin's attempts at stalling before answering the door incorporate time well, as do the flashbacks. One thing I don't understand is the significance of his friend's name, Faith. I think you should revisit that element.
ReplyDeleteSo the story is very dark in its nature in its nature but where is the race against time? i don't notice how he is pressured in any way. the story although it has a good start can use some development. I should add that with such an eerie sense of place we are probable waiting for a very climactic ending but unfortunately i dont see that. There is nothing for the audience to be off their seats.
ReplyDeleteI think you used Tykwer's element of flasback real well. The storyline is well written and I think this has great potential to be a great short film. There just needs to be a few adjustments here in there, but it is actually a good basis on which to make a pretty good short film.
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